SCENE: BATHROOM, LATE EVENING
A man and a woman are brushing their teeth. They are getting ready for bed. The voluptuous woman has very striking hair. The man seems as if he is in more of a hurry than normal, and worth noting, he has at least 6 or 7 days’ worth of stubble.
W: What’s your hurry? Got a hot date?
M: I want to watch the end of ‘The People Under the Stairs’ – it’s just about to finish on Sky.
W: (without speaking makes a noise to illustrate her obvious indifference)
M: Actually, you know, ‘The People—‘
W: (interrupting) WAIT! Don’t tell me! I know this one: ‘The People Under the Stairs’ was the first film you ever watched on Sky.
M: Cripes alive! (spits in the sink, and shakes his head in what could be construed as an overly melodramatic manner) I’ve mentioned that before, I suppose?
W: (smirking) Once or twice.
The couple continue their night-time routine.
M: I suppose this is it, then?
W: What is “it, then”?
M: Well, it took 9 years of marriage but I’ve finally run out of new and interesting facts to educate you with?
W: (raises eyebrows) To educate me with?
M: You know what I mean. Anyway – 9 years is a pretty good innings. Maybe we should call it quits.
W: Hmm. You might be right. Just think of all of the poor, unsuspecting single girls in Newcastle who could benefit from an education as only you could provide.
The man scratches his beard. The woman supresses an urge to ask him to shave. Again.
W: On second thought, perhaps it is my duty to spare this poor wretch, whomever she is, from your 'interesting' facts.
M: I do know some great facts.
W: Undoubtedly. What compels you to issue them in triplicate is the mystery.
M: I have lost some brain cells over the years, perhaps.
W: A likely explanation, to be sure.
M: I sense we are at an impasse. How do we move on from here?
W: Well, if I could just call to your attention my present comprehension of the following, perhaps you might commit to memory my prior learning and in so doing, spare me from any future tutelage?
M: Very well.
W: I already know that Ken Barlow is a Druid.
M: Okay. Fair play to you.
W: I already know that ‘We Will Rock You’ by Queen was written about Sid Viscious.
M: That might be the answer in a pub quiz scenario one day. You might be grateful for that.
W: I already know that ‘Dude Looks Like A Lady’ by Aerosmith was written about Vince Neil.
M: (knitting his brow) Now you’re just being petty.
W: I have heard your theories that nipping people causes cancer, and that Kurt Cobain was responsible for the death of hair metal.
M: Well, I –
W: AND, I know that you sometimes say that the first film you watched on Sky was not, in fact, ‘The People Under the Stairs’ but ‘Pump Up the Volume.’
M: I quite liked the girl in that.
W: Hmmmm. May I continue?
The man gestures in the affirmative.
W: I know that you used to look after your first car so well that you used to take the alloy wheels off and clean them with a toothbrush AND that sometimes if you’d just washed it and it rained the next morning, you’d leave it in the garage and make your Dad drive you to work in his car.
M: This is getting out of hand, now.
W: And finally, whenever Scott Walker comes up in conversation, I already know that when your Mam was young she wrote ‘Scott is fab’ on her school ruler.
M: She also wrote, ‘Nasty Neil’ next to it, after a boy in her class she didn’t like.
W: Would it surprise you at all to know that I already knew that?
The man gestures again, this time less politely.
W: (smug) No, you’re the tosser. Good job I still love you.
The couple exit the bathroom and walk to their bedroom. They switch off the lamps and get into bed. The house is very quiet, and the woman falls off to sleep while the man watches television.
M: Are you awake?
W: Well, I am now. What’s the matter?
M: In my defence, Scott Walker doesn’t come up in conversation all THAT regularly. And that girl was called Samantha Mathis.
W: Is that all?
M: Yes, I think so.
W: I can go to sleep now?
M: Yes you can.
W: (through gritted teeth) Thank you so much.
Oh, and also most recently, here.