Tuesday, 17 January 2012

This Kind of Crap Stops Me From Going to Sleep On A Night: January 2012

Tuesday, 17 January 2012
The Voluptuous Woman is in bed. She wears an eye mask to block out the light. Her luxuriant hair is swept up into a loose knot and she is nearly asleep.

A man enters.  In about 3 days, the Voluptuous Woman's requests for the man to HAVE A SHAVE ALREADY are going to reach fever pitch.
 BM: Ha! Monkey spunk moped!


VW: (removing her eye mask) Um, are you high?


BM: It was a cartoon! Did you not have it in Canada? It was a cartoon about a moped powered by monkey spunk.


VW: Oddly, no.


The man giggles to himself. A few moments pass. The Voluptuous Woman’s breathing starts to regulate and it is quite clear TO ANYONE WITH HALF A BRAIN that she is dropping off to sleep.


BM: Did I ever tell you about the time—


VW: (interrupting him; mildly irritated, somewhat sharply) YES. Yes, chances are you probably have already told me about this time. I was asleep, you spaz.


BM: (with a hint of exasperated defeat) This is rubbish. There MUST be, somewhere in me, SOME interesting and as yet undiscussed fact that I know, that I can talk to you about. I can’t have told you all my witty anecdotes between (he looks at his fingers) 1999 and now.


VW: To be fair, I’d never heard you say ‘monkey spunk moped’ before.


BM: (brightening) Really?


VW: Yes, really. So I guess the solution to this problem is that I have to get you a subscription to Viz magazine again, for you to nick stuff out of and pass off as ‘fresh’ and ‘new’ bedtime conversation?


BM: I’ve never had a subscription to Viz magazine.


VW: Okay, so I have to get you a subscription to Viz FOR THE FIRST TIME?


BM: Anyway, it’s a saying.


VW: What’s a saying? Monkey spunk motorcycle is so not a saying. How would you use it? ‘Oh, monkey spunk motorcycle, I’ve misplaced my car keys again!’ or ‘Wow, I haven’t seen you in ages, isn’t that a monkey spunk motorcycle!’


BM: Moped. It’s Monkey Spunk MOPED.


VW: Whatever. I win at marriage.


END SCENE


More adventures with our intrepid couple herehere, here, here, here and here.